3 Things I’ve Learned After Leaving Home
With one backpack full of clothing to last a week and a New Yorker tote bag full of college textbooks and old mail, I’ve decided to make the drastic change to take myself out of a toxic Asian-American household.
I had dreamt about this day for years. I always thought it was going to be an easy trek. I’d rack up a shitload of cash, have a good credit score, and move out into an overpriced but cheap enough apartment out in the city — sustaining myself by myself.
But it isn’t easy being a 21 year old with a $15.50 per hour job that’s only 20 hours a week with student loans and bills to pay over your head.
I don’t need as much as I think I need.
In my parent’s home, I had the luxury of a walk-in closet as well as drawers under the bed that sat upon the mahogany headboard. I had a rack outside of my closet filled with my ethical and sustainable pieces of clothing. These pieces were something I wanted to see everyday to remind myself, “Yeah, I did that. I earned enough money to buy clothing that relates to the lifestyle I want to live.”
Soon enough though, I realized I had too much stuff. After the last few arguments I had with my parents, I hated taking refuge in my room. It was stuffy. Some of the things had gathered dust. Some articles of clothing still had their tags. Cleaning got harder. Finding reasons to clean was even harder than actually cleaning. Why do laundry when you can just wear something else?
In the end, I moved out with:
- five tops
- five bottoms
- one oversized zip-up hoodie
- one wool coat
- one pair of white, low-top sneakers
Now, I just wear my boyfriend’s hoodies.
I’ve learned that I need to be more selective with what I spend my money on.
I used to spend a lot of my money on food and snacks and just small knick knacks. Something I learned at a young age was to be frugal, to wait for things to go on sale — quantity > quality.
Spending time under my parents’ roof meant that I didn’t have to pay rent. I didn’t have to pay for anything except the gas that filled my Volkswagen Golf and the phone bill. So when I had a job that allowed me to spend on these little luxuries, I spent. A lot. I developed bad spending habits and spent more than I had earned.
I take the time to listen to my body more, not to eat snacks just because I was bored. I’m learning to develop a healthy relationship with food, vowing to go on a ramen fast just to see how long I could live without it. Trader Joe’s frozen meals are my best friend until I get up on my feet again and learn how to cook (properly).
I’ve developed a drive that I’ve never had before.
I was at an OK job with an OK salary and was totally OK with not growing — wait, what? When did I stop wanting to grow?
I grew up with parents who wanted to do great things like buying another house, getting another car, having nice clothes, go on international trips bi-annually, and have a nice job with a great salary so they don’t have to work when they need to retire. While these are great goals, they never focused on growth. They didn’t want to learn. My dad, who’s 45, refuses to learn how technology works, and in turn, relies on me to fill out his online applications, to check his investment and 401k account, and to check up on my mom’s health data on her new kidney.
I realized that I surrounded myself with people who weren’t open to the idea of change, who refuted the idea of learning new things no matter how old, and who wanted so deeply to enrich their Asian-American daughter with traditional methods that were fit for a pet that was to be trained — and I didn’t even voluntarily do this.
A lot of people will ask me why I left. A lot of people will pity me, and a lot of people will try to scold me as if they were my parents, “How could you leave your parents without any word?”
The answer is simple, if you want to get out of a toxic situation, just do it. It’s easier said than done, but nothing’s impossible. If there isn’t anything to lose, then that should be more than a push in the right direction.
I did this because I wanted to learn. I don’t want to piggyback off of people who won’t allow me to learn.
HUGE thank you to all of you who have read this far! I owe my entire life to my best friends, their family, and my significant other — who have all offered me refuge in their homes during this pivotal period in my life. Expect more content, expect growth, expect good things this coming 2020.
